Who are we? We are so many pieces of a never ending puzzle. We aren't one small detail. We are many details, and people will judge you long before they get all the pieces. What we have to understand is that it doesn't matter. We know the truth. We know who we are. Some of us are far more self-aware than others. No matter how well we know ourselves, we may not be prepared to share the deep down dirty truths with another person unless we truly trust them. Sometimes in the process of learning to trust you will fail. Sometimes it's a collaborative fail on all sides. One person may believe they know all the pieces before the whole story is told. They may think they understand simply because they filled in the missing pieces based on their idea of what seems logical or maybe they will base it on their understanding of their own puzzle. The other person may disagree because their opinion was based on very limited knowledge and they may have taken the offered puzzle piece both out of context and out of tone. From personal experience, trying to explain often times makes things worse. I'm not a patient person when it comes to conflict. I want everything resolved and back to normal as quickly as possible and I'm finding that most people I meet are more the "ignore it and sweep it under the rug and slowly stop talking to you," or they are the "ghost you completely," type. Communication is a dying art. Conflict resolution has somehow been labeled as drama and everyone is so stuck in this belief that drama of any kind should be avoided. Dealing with issues in order to save a friendship/relationship should not be considered drama. I don't know when our society decided that staying friends with someone, regardless of your differences, is a bad thing. What's worse is the general masses just don't care. They don't care about the feelings or even the opinions of others. They just don't want to hear it. Anything that is even the slightest bit unpleasant is bad. They are willing to isolate themselves or just bounce around from friendship to friendship. I guess that explains a lot about what is happening in our nation. A lack of compassion and understanding because no one cares about anyone beyond themselves or about working together anymore. Giving up friendships, never speaking to someone, and pretending they don't exist is easier than having a hard conversation and letting yourself be vulnerable but also learning to compromise and see our own failings both as individuals and as a group.
I look at my past, at all my puzzle pieces, and I see so many things that I'm proud of and so many things that I'm not proud of. I am normally a fairly happy and confident woman. I have had a lot of setbacks in the last year and for months I tried to hold myself together. I did what I could to hold on to what little bit I could. I wanted some kind of stability. I didn't want to be forced to start from the bottom again. I didn't want to find out what the sub-basement of rock bottom looked like. I never thought I would be considered unworthy of friendship or kindness for that but I'm learning to be ok with it. The way I see it, I am a good person. I am kind. I am loving. I give everything that I have to offer. Right now that isn't much... I'm not used to that and I think that's where a lot of my self-doubt is coming from. I lost who I am because I'm so accustomed to being the one everyone goes to when they need something. When I no longer had anything left to offer, no one needed me anymore. The longer this went on the further down the rabbit hole I went. In reality I was looking at this all wrong. Big surprise right? I've never been in a position where I couldn't help someone else before, so this is new territory for me. What I'm learning from it is that no one is helping me. I have asked for help several times with the things I struggle with and I'm always told no. It's hard.... Ok it sucks! However, I'm learning that saying no needs to be a thing for me in the future. I've known this for a long time so don't think I'm a complete idiot. What I'm saying is I keep ending up in the same place because I always put others first. That needs to stop! It's my turn!
I am so many things but I am not perfect. None of us are! I will, however, come out of all of this on top again and I will be ok. I always am. The reality is, if people stick around, you know it's someone you can trust. Even if they don't agree with how your puzzle was put together they are willing to be there for you as you figure out a better way. The people that leave you won't care and that's ok too. They may write you off because no matter what you do it won't be good enough. Not because that is actually true but just because they don't want to admit they were wrong and because they don't have the whole puzzle. Just remember, it just wasn't good enough for them. It has nothing to do with you. If it's good enough for you and gives you the drive to keep fighting your battles, don't worry about what they say. They will walk away since it is easier than admitting that maybe they misjudged you. They will choose not to see your potential. If someone chooses to believe that who you were, is who you are now, and always will be, you don't need them because they won't give you the encouragement, and room to grow, that you need to keep moving forward. They will only see you right here, right now, as a failure. I've learned recently that solitude is not always a bad thing when the only people you have in your life see you in such a negative light while you are trying to pick up your pieces. My only solace is that when they see me a year from now they will know they walked away from something pretty good.
People kept telling me that I need to find the things that make me happy and start focusing on the good. The problem I keep running into is that they also keep telling me I have to go this journey alone. No one can help me through it. My happiness comes from being around people and helping people. My happiness comes from helping others achieve their dreams and their goals and that is what motivates me to achieve my own. Things look pretty bleak when you have no support system and the things that make you happy are just not available to you. What do you do in that situation? Again it comes down to "you have to do it all by yourself, "no one can fix it for you." I struggle... and I can't be the only person out there with this dilemma. It's not easy when you have no family or friends to remind you what you're fighting for. I get that at the end of the day it is up to me to make my dreams come true and I will. I just wish it was how you see it in every movie you watch or book you read, whether fictional or real. A person's life falls apart and they are trying to find their way and construct the life they always wanted or even the life they didn't know they wanted. They are on a journey of self discovery and there is always a friend or a group of friends that is there when they stumble, to remind them why they are fighting or why they are scraping the bottom of the barrel. They are there to kick them in the ass when they fall into the pit of depression, maybe even self loathing. They aren't there to do it for you but they are there to encourage you to keep going and if you ask for help or advice you know they will be there as a kind face and not to tell you that you are weak because you aren't sure how to do it all yourself. So when you literally have no one and it is just you fighting alone for all your dreams, is it fair to be judged when it takes you longer to figure things out? Is it fair to be turned away as a hopeless cause just because you don't always know how to get back on track? I don't think it is but I think that goes back to judging people with only small parts of the puzzle.
I've been through a lot and I can look back at all of it and see how much I've grown. I can talk about the bad things that happened and I know I'm ok, and I will continue to be ok, even when I'm not. The problem is that some people don't have the patience to get to that part of the story, and very few get beyond it, to get to my core. When you are in the process of trying to rebuild your life, and your team, it's hard to know who to trust. In the process of getting to know them it is inevitable that your past, as well as theirs, is going to become a part of the story. How can they know you and understand you without knowing how you got to the point you are at. They generally hear a few of the events and assume they know the rest of the story. They assume that I don't know where my failings are. They assume that maybe I'm not making steps to grow into the person I want to be instead of the person I was. They also seem to believe that I should be ashamed of who I was and that my past had few or no redeeming qualities. I am aware that this is an over-generalization. It is full of assumptions about their thoughts that I couldn't possibly know because they disappeared without warning. But they are based on comments that have been made as well as how they have treated me since the discussion started. But this follows my point. We all make judgments based on the information we do have because sometimes we aren't willing to give more of the puzzle. We have no control over what someone chooses to divulge any more than we have control over how much of our own puzzle others want to know. It doesn't make it hurt any less when you put faith in someone and trust them with your story and they disappear from your life. When they keep saying over and over that what you have to say isn't important and doesn't matter and just by trying to speak you are creating drama. It makes you question what kind of friend they truly were. Discovering who they are and if you really want them on your team is also an important step in your journey. Are they really going to be there the next time you fail? Finding people that only want to see the good parts is going to happen. This journey isn't an easy one. You will fall so many times that you wonder why you even bother getting up again and it's not always because of lack of effort or lack of intelligence. It may just be bad timing or other things happening around you that are out of your control. You will still be judged for falling. Wouldn't it be great to find someone that will counter that judgment with encouragement when you continue to get up. So you have to start thinking long and hard.... Is everyone really worthy of being on your team?
I've been told that I have misrepresented myself because I finally trusted someone enough to open up and tell them the beginning of my story... Well, not so much the beginning but how it ended. What I didn't add is what caused it to end the way it did. I also didn't clarify why I was giving that specific piece. The pieces I chose to share do not necessarily mesh with who I am currently and who I want to become. They were the events that brought me to where I am. I will be the first to admit that it is who I was and I'm not exactly ashamed of who I was or why I made the choices I made. I'm only ashamed of where I am currently because I wasn't more selfish. I have lost a friend for this. He started asking the questions but I wasn't sure how much to trust him so I only gave small details. I didn't expect him to take everything I said in such a negative way and he quit talking to me. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. Our entire friendship was different literally overnight. So I tried to explain the gaps but it was already too late. He was so focused on the negative that he told me I was "dumping my shit"on him. I don't see it the same way because he asked to know my story. I answered his questions. When he misjudged me and personally attacked me based on the part that I felt comfortable telling, enough to quit talking to me, I felt that as his friend I deserved the opportunity to defend myself, clarify, and explain. My explanation was so he would understand all the reasons that I am not my past. That my series of events isn't an excuse for me to continue being in this mess it was merely an illustration of how I gained the strength I now have to get out of it. I told him from the beginning that I wanted to explain it one time and on my terms so that we could get away from my past and get excited about my future. That wasn't how he took it. He suddenly believed that I lied about who I am in the present just because my past was filled with a lot of stupid decisions that brought me to this place. What he couldn't wrap his head around was that those decisions were made because I had to choose between what I wanted and what my family needed at the time. All the details didn't matter, or so I thought. I somehow deserved to have my entire life fall apart because I trusted my fiance. I don't believe I deserved that. What I believe is that I will use what I learned from that experience to make sure it never happens again. I will use it as my strength to make my dreams come true, and I will live out my dreams for the rest of my life. With or without friends! If it doesn't happen at someone else's pace, I'm ok with that. This is my path. All these people that keep insulting me instead of encouraging me to keep going are part of the problem. I don't let them stop me but it does affect me.
I guess the moral of the story is not to assume the parts that you think are important, are the parts that someone else will understand. No matter what your reasons are, for telling someone the parts you tell, if they aren't really a friend they won't want to hear it. Not everyone that says they are your friend is telling the truth. They are only friends for the parts they WANT to be part of. Don't test how much you can trust someone. Just trust them. Trust them with everything or nothing because at the end of the day they are either a real friend or they aren't. They will stick around or they won't. But I have discovered I would rather lose a friend based on the whole puzzle rather than a misunderstanding over a small part of it. Our stories are ongoing and the things we believed and felt 2 years ago will probably never add up to what we believe and feel now because things have happened, events have transpired, both good and bad, to change our perspective, and even sometimes our entire belief system. It changes our entire identity as we grow. Eventually you will have choices to make. Do you stand up and defend who you have become and who you want to be or do you fall into despair and let the failure wrap you up in a comfy blanket and paralyze you. I guess the obvious answer for some is just let it go. I couldn't do that because I know I'm not who I was. I stood up for myself but also for my friendship because I believed that it meant something and I was wrong. So now I have no choice but to let it go.
The part of the story I don't tend to share is the steps I am taking everyday to improve. You might ask why I would leave my triumphs out of the story when trying to build my team... I have a method to my madness even if it's messed up. If you can't be here for me at the bottom, I don't want you at the top with me. This fear emerged because I lost everyone I cared about. It seems I can't win either way so I may change my thinking on this again but it scares me to think I will only end up at the top with the people who don't care about my struggle. They only care about the good. They will compliment me for everything I did on the way up AFTER I get there and they will be the first to bail when I fail the next time. Or maybe they won't. I guess that's a chance I need to take.
We all have complicated stories and complicated emotions that go along with those stories. Some people look at everything as very black and white. Very simple. I'm not one of those people. The decisions I've made were based on a LOT of different factors. Had I made my decisions based solely on what I wanted, it wouldn't be so complicated and perhaps people would consider me stronger. Maybe then I would have been worthy and maybe they would actually believe I am the person I represented myself to be. I see that I made my decisions based on what my entire family needed and not just myself. Does that make me weak? Some would say yes because I left myself wide open to my current situation. In my current place in life, yes I made the wrong choice. If I were still in my past situation I wouldn't say it was a bad choice. We all have crosses to bear. Making that decision put me in a bad position currently but it has made me stronger. Do I regret it? NO! Will I make that choice again? NO
We will be constantly tested to become better versions of ourselves. Watch who sticks by you and holds you up. Even better watch for the ones that pick you up when you fall. They are your support system. Those are the relationships you want to feed and grow. If you find them they are your team. Just don't forget to pick them up in return if it ever happens to them. They will need it too and they will need to be reminded that they aren't a failure. They are just visiting that evil sub-basement at rock bottom for a little bit. It's like a mini vacation that tests your strength and shows you who you are or who you can be. Help them find the humor and the joy in the struggle. No one said the struggle can't be fun too!
I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and I still don't like it. I wish I had a friend to talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share my fears with and how I'm overcoming them. I wish I could tell someone all my stories of both failure and triumph. Most days I wish I had someone with me when I step outside my comfort zone. Then I might feel less like a complete idiot always being the one that showed up alone. Eventually none of this will matter. I am meeting people that I'm not sure I would have spoken to in other situations. Through those people I have met other people. Some that seem pretty cool and welcomed me with open arms, some that are not my type of people, and some that just don't seem to care about anything outside their own circle and treat me like an intruder. I don't take this personally. I will be in my comfort zone soon enough. I just wish I wasn't always doing everything alone. The harsh reality is that the longer I spend isolated from others, the more I crave the solitude and honestly don't want anyone around and I know that isn't good for me either. Knowing where my limits are is part of my strength but it turns out that having limits makes me weak too.
When someone tells you who you are, when they tell you in a round about way that you aren't worthy because they think you are someone you aren't, don't listen. Be you! Use their criticism and cruelty to your advantage and prove them wrong! Show them everything you are and more! Don't be afraid of yourself and your success. Embrace your setbacks. Embrace your past and your present. Embrace all the puzzle pieces, they are who you are. Embrace yourself and all your glory! Who are they to tell you who you are? If they or their opinion mattered, they would have stuck around! Shine on, you crazy diamond! Be the special snowflake that you are! It will always be worth it! You will see!
